Jake-Morrison.com

I had planned to continue the “A Man Down” story this week. But when I sat down tonight to write it, I felt no want to, nor any luster or desire to write it. So tonight, there is no tale. No story, no pleasant fiction. Tonight I write whatever comes to my mind. And what does come to mind is the tragic and terrible tale of this week. I say tragic and terrible, not because they are appropriate descriptors, but rather because they are fun to say.

This week I earned an achievement. This achievement unlocked the title of “Wasp Hunter”. It was a balmy Friday afternoon. I was relaxing in my room, enjoying a bit of World of Warcraft and awaiting the arrival of a friend, when my phone rang unexpectedly. Wait. Unexpectedly? Isn’t that always how a phone rings? It seems illogical that a phone would ring expectedly. That would require a feat of precognition that I don’t think many, if any, people have. But back to the point. It seems my friend Drew was being accosted by a wasp. After ascertaining the specifics of the situation, I bravely exited out of WoW, put on my pants, and drove to Drew’s house. On my way there, I informed Stephanie of the needed delay, and thought through my various options.

Option one was the most straightforward. I could get a shoe, or other sturdy blunt device, and turn the wasp into wasp paste. The simplicity of that option was alluring; in its’ own barbaric way, it was kind of graceful. However, that option had downsides. Namely, coating the killing object and whatever substrate was under the wasp with wasp paste. There was also the chance of failure; that in my graceless ways, I would miss the wasp, and piss it off, and it would fly in a frenzy, killing twenty three children in the area, stinging me in the eye, and destroying a large portion of Central Tokyo. You know, that kind of stuff. Plus there was the added factoid that I truly didn’t feel like killing it. I’m not a wuss, as any redneck would call me at this point, I’m just a bit of a pacifist. I know, I know. I play a lot of shooters. I sword fight. I curse up a storm, and insult my friends with what I imagine is amusing grace. But even so, I don’t like to kill things. And in RPG type situations, I end up playing the support class.

I am Jake. I make things better. Even for non-sentient species.

Option two was a bit more complex. That would be the catch and release program. That kind of stuff works for National Geographic or the Fish & Wildlife service, but I wasn’t sure how well it would work for me. While I did my time at the Emerald Coast Wildlife Refuge, I had captured many a wild creature, from the noble and wily pelican to the frankly stupid and hated pigeon. But I had never captured a member of the Order hymenoptera before. Usually such small and delicate creatures are beneath my purview. As I sat and thought about the situation, (such lackadaisical thinking was possible as I drove to Drew’s thanks to the fantastically horrible traffic that Colonial gifted to me), I realized that this was the option I should pursue.

Option three was on the table as an option, but wasn’t one I could choose. I could always have turned around, and gone back home. But that would have been mean, and petty, and frankly wouldn’t have made anything better.

Option four is always present. It’s the doomsday option. That’s the option that basically specifies that some sort of calamity prevents the completion of whatever quest I am on. That calamity could be anything from another person in a more dire situation, to a comprehensive catastrophic structural and mechanical collapse of my car, (read as: car crash), to the zombipocalypse. Option four is, by necessity, an option that is not lightly chosen.

But option number two was the one I chose. After arriving at Drew’s domicile, I scouted out my insectile adversary. I wasn’t immediately sure of the species. It appeared to be a breed of paper wasp, but the abdomen and antennae weren’t quite right. But I digress, the species wasn’t important. I acquired what I had determined to be the ideal wasp-catching accoutrements, namely a sheet of A4 paper and a Tupperware bowl. I then went to capture the nefarious fiend. As I stalked my elusive prey, she cleverly flew behind the blinds. I was stymied. I could not see a way to draw the blinds without enraging the wasp. And as any WoW player knows, enraging a mob causes it to do six times its normal damage. It was a chance I simply couldn’t risk. I stood there for a while, muscles corded and ready to spring if an opportunity arose, and I watched my target. Eventually, she flew free, and straight onto the screen of a nearby open window.

My chance had arrived. Now was the moment to strike!

But before my move could be made, the wasp walked up between the screen and the upper portion of the window. I was saran-wrapped again. Why saran-wrapped? Why quite frankly, I was tired of being foiled. I then positioned myself close to the window, the Tupperware ready to snap over the wasp once it was in the open. As I stood there, in a rather awkward position hanging over the back of a couch, I had a stroke of brilliance.

I’d just pop out the screen.

I slid the top part of the window slowly to mostly close it, then pressed the screen outside. A little elbow grease, a slight twist, and the screen fell on to the roof below. And the wasp flew free. This was a triumph. Dear reader, make a note here, HUGE SUCCESS. Naturally, Drew was completely amazed and grateful. I then left, in order to return home to hang out with Stephanie.

I then spent a fun and engaging evening with Stephanie, watching a bit of Big Bang Theory and seeing Crank 2. That movie is ridiculously, horribly, awesome. I laughed my way through it. It made me quite the happy panda.

And thus ends the ballad of Friday. It was indeed an amusing day. So now, as I always do, I leave this part of the blog open to any comments or complaints. And I do mean any. They don’t even technically need to be about this blog. You could comment about anything, from the hue of the sky, to the tint of the text. Whatever you please, so long as you comment, because those comments and critiques are the very soul of this site. And the end of every week, I count out them one by one, and if not enough are made, I cut off a toe. Remember to friend me on Facebook, and follow me on Twitter @Chiron7936.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 20th, 2009 at 1:20 am and is filed under Normal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.