Sometimes, when it feels there is nothing else you can do, when you feel like you are trapped under a depressingly crushing weight of doom, you suddenly find some space. I found myself in just such a position this week. I could feel myself slipping into the yawning abyss of despair, sliding uncontrollably towards a future that I could not predict. As I found myself drawn inexorably down the slope, scrabbling madly for a purchase, any kind of stability, I could only find scree and gravel under my hands. It is at this point, where nothing you do seems to make a difference, at which despair is at its greatest.
However, I have also found that at that point, if you take a deep breath and a step back, you can see a way out.
I found my position to be precarious; I could see with fear that the slope was nearing its end, the sinister void racing towards me, and then I saw my way out. My hand suddenly found a grip on the barest outcropping of rock. One small purchase was enough to reverse the descent. From there, I have been able to make my way back up the slope, slowly but surely.
But that is enough of this desperate-fall allegory. What happened to me really wasn’t quite as dramatic as that. Although I definitely feel the lesson I learned sounds much cooler with that kind of build up. I did hit a low point though. And I did feel rather… lost. It was a lonely period. No one was at the house, or online. I felt this strange urge… I had to do something, anything. I felt that if I stayed home, that I would somehow cease to exist. So I grabbed my drawing bag and my Boba Fett hoodie, and I made good my escape. I scrawled a quasi-desperate message on Facebook, hoping that someone out there would be awake, would care enough, would defy the odds, and read it, and want to hang out. The hopes for that weren’t high, as it was one in the morning. With that slim hope of camaraderie my only protection against the elements, I found myself driving, and not paying attention to what I was doing.
For most people, that is a recipe for disaster. Fortunately for this blog, and my continued existence, I am not most people. My subconscious made my decisions for me. My conscious mind was busy singing along to Hoobastank and Jimmy Eat World, processing the memories that those songs invoked, and remembering the lyrics from ages ago. And so, after several hours of driving what, from a satellite view, must have seemed a rather chaotic path, I found myself in an unexpected location. I was at Kennedy Space Center.
I am still not quite sure how I got there. Seems my under-mind had something in plan for me. I stopped my car, and got out. The wind immediately assailed me. It must have been blowing a solid and steady 25 miles an hour, and gusting for quite a bit more. Fast enough that the noise it made as it whipped past my ears overrode anything else I could possibly hear. I found myself in the most gorgeous location. The air, sped by the wind as it was, had that peculiar salty tang of the sea. The clearing I was in was lit seductively by a gibbous moon; and that wan light filled in the world just enough so that I could see clearly around me. But what was around me was rather unremarkable. Sure, the vegetation was beautiful in its own right; but it was that common beauty that all things natural have.
The view that captured my heart was two-fold. First was the completely awesome sight above me; the deep and majestic beauty of space. Arrayed above me was the limitless forever of the Universe, given depth and dimension by a few high floating wispy clouds. That forever was so simple, so deep and amazing. Also, I use the word awesome in the true meaning of the word. Something that fills you with awe. I was instantly reminded just how much I love space. There is a reason that I love Star Wars to the point that some people find it concerning. I’d truly give anything to live in that realm… it would be completely amazing. That a similar future could exist for humanity fills me with hope. That is also why I so eagerly await the release of BioWare’s new MMO, The Old Republic. The Star Wars MMO that Galaxies was supposed to be.
But the thing that made the space above seem so amazing was the view of the Vehicle Assembly Building in front of me. Right where the infinite impossibility of space meets the solid certainty of Earth. That wonderful world above is tied to the earth by such a delicate linkage; a gossamer thread that connects humanity to the whole of existence. The horizon was mostly a panorama of blackness, to the north was the noisy light pollution of Titusville, but other than that, only the VAB stood spot lit in front of me. One of the largest buildings in the world, a defiant block proclaiming our intent to explore; and that night, it was a beacon of hope for me.
I stood there, angled so Titusville and other signs of habitation where invisible. I stood there for an hour or so, drinking in the sight of the VAB, of space, and thought of my plight. As I released my worries and mind, I realized I could pick out the gantries of the Shuttle Launch Pads. For the first time in a very long time, I felt a sort of peace. And in that peace, I came to a realization.
No one is going to help me.
That is to say; the only person who can really set my world to rights, who can really enact major changes in my life, is myself. I want changes, I want a new beginning… and so I must act to ensure that beginning occurs. That is what I am doing now. I have worked out a visiting schedule with some very dear friends of mine; at the end of May, I shall be visiting them at their lairs. I will go to Austin and Seattle, and see what I like of the cities. See if they agree with me. And while I am there, I will hand out resumes and business cards to every place that catches my eye.
To whit; Commitment Number Three has been realized. I have struck upon a design for my business cards that pleases me. I am just waiting for inspiration to strike me for a particular bit of catchphrase cleverness, and then I am done with it. I am imminently pleased to announce that of the nine original commitments, four have been realized. Only a few months after setting those goals up, they have fallen like lopsided dominos.
This, dear reader, is the end of this week’s blog. As always, your comments and critiques are the only things that bind my body and soul to this mortal coil. So add your thoughts, lets I shuffle off. Remember to friend me on Facebook, and follow me on Twitter @Chiron7936.
Beautiful, all of it, but especially this “One of the largest buildings in the world, a defiant block proclaiming our intent to explore; and that night, it was a beacon of hope for me.” So thank you for writing it.
I have to say that this entry was very honest an inspiring. We all fell the same way at one point or another but realizing that things aren’t just going to fall into place by themselves takes real growth. Ok it sounds like I’m preaching but I’m being honest. Lately I’ve been feeling the same way it’s just we all need that thing, that rope that we can get a hold on and use it to climb out. Sometimes we just have to find that thing that hits you in the face and makes you wake up for the real challenge. Reading this post had the same effect that going out that night had on you. It’s kinda weird and ironic but I guess I have to say that by you sharing this I really got something out of it. So thank you sir! and keep up the good work!
Thanks Tanya and Jose. Yeah, it was quite the changing experience.
And I’m glad it had an impact on you two. That’s the entire reason I blog, right there. 